With arms high and heart abandoned

*this is the longest post of all time. continue with caution*

# The Stand - Hillsong United

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory

Alright, so I'm going to get personal, which I normally don't do on things like this, but I need to because I desperately need to remember this. I'm also too lazy to handwrite it in a journal.

A couple of weeks ago, instead of having practice, Into Hymn had an intervention. Courtney and Chala felt it on their hearts to address the group about how we've forgotten what we're here for. To put it simply, Into Hymn is a ministry, not an a capella group - a capella music is just how we minister. We're not even a fellowship, and in fact there was a huge split in the group a couple of years ago when they addressed whether Into Hymn was a ministry or a fellowship, and ministry won. So we are a ministry, chosen individually by God to be in the group. It's so easy to forget that, though, and get caught up in being an a capella group, and that's what happened in a major way - we became so focused on the things that didn't matter about the group, the little things that have nothing to do with our effectiveness as a ministry.

So that night, when Chala and Court addressed the group, Court went first, and addressed the issue of us loving each other, and also rethinking our reasons for being in the group. Chala went afterward and incorporated 14 Bible verses that essentially addressed our hearts. As a group, we exist to minister to others through worship, but worship is the last thing we do when we get together because we're so caught up in the "a capella-ness" of our group.

What I picked up from that night was that we need to address our own hearts so that we can effectively minister to others through Into Hymn, and I knew that this was absolutely true for me. I had so many things that were blocking my heart from the Lord that were made apparent to me that night throughout Chala's talk: pride, idolatry, logic. Pride because when I think about sin, I think, "Hmm... well... I don't really sin... I can't think of anything. I'm a really good Christian." Idolatry because I get my joy from change and new things, not the Lord. Logic because though I have an immense amount of faith in God in the long term (like that He'll make things right for me in the long run), I haven't the ability to put my faith in God from day to day and address Him about my issues.

Let's back up a bit. About a week before all of this happened, I had dinner with Natalie, our devotions coordinator. We were having dinner to talk about the devotion on relationships that I was going to give, and the conversation turned to the faith questions that were coming up in my mind almost daily because of things that I was hearing in one of my classes. Two things to note: First, what I was hearing in my class wasn't directly about Christianity, it was just medical things that made me think about how to incorporate Christianity into them; second, the questions were not challenging my faith in any way, just forcing me to gain a better knowledge of how God works. Anyway, talking about that with Natalie started a conversation in which I told her about the trouble I have with hearing her talk about being filled with the Holy Spirit. When I hear that, I heavily question whether or not I am filled with the Holy Spirit, and I have a hard time believing I am because I can't feel it. This is where logic comes in. Logically, I have a really hard time with knowing I'm filled with the Holy Spirit and praying because they're based on things that come from my heart and not my head. Whenever I prayed, it was more because I felt like I should be able to say that I have prayed, or that I pray regularly, and it was never, ever because I had a desire to address God for any reason. I told Natalie that I doubt my desire for "a relationship with God" and that my biggest struggle was figuring out my motives; figuring out whether I really wanted to live a Christian life or not.

Okay, now remember all of that I just told you about my dinner with Nat cause it's going to make sense in a minute. So during Chala's talk that night with Into Hymn, I asked Natalie for a piece of paper so that I could write down all of the verses Chala was putting up (she had written them on paper in large writing and hung them up on the board). I also, throughout the talk, responded to what she was saying, writing frustrated things like, "What is it that is keeping me from having heart-felt worship?" and "Pride is my number one sin, and logic is the devil's way of keeping me apart from God." I imagine that Natalie saw what I was writing because she was sitting next to me, but I didn't mind.

After the talk, Chala gave us each two index cards. On one, we were to write down what was in the way of our hearts. It could be one thing, it could be 10 things, but we were going to rip them up and throw them away, signifying getting rid of them and giving our hearts to God. On the other index card, we were to write just one of those things, and we would all put them in a hat and each draw one out to pray for. I wrote "pride," and then proceeded to fill up the entire other index card with things that had made themselves clear to me as obstacles... things that only I could change. As we wrote, Chala put on some worship music, and we all prayed silently. Almost everybody else in the room cried and sat on the floor together... I just stayed in my desk, knowing that sitting on the floor with the other girls would distract me from an extremely necessary prayer. I can't really remember what I was praying for at first, but Natalie recognized the struggles I was going through because a) we'd had dinner the week before, b) (i think) she saw what I had written down during the talk, and c) I was the only one still sitting in my desk and not crying. She came over behind me, put her hands on my shoulders, and prayed for me, out loud, asking that God would allow me to be released from what was holding me back and keeping me from Him.

I don't know what it was. I don't know if it was the fact that somebody else was actually talking to God asking him to heal me, or that somebody else praying for me validated my struggles and made them real and not just internal, or just that it was Natalie, who knew my struggles, who was praying for me, and not anybody else. The tears literally began to pour down my face because I realized that this desire for a true relationship with Jesus was so real and so necessary, and I prayed so hard to feel the Lord in me. I prayed for humility because it was the last thing I had, I prayed for a desire to (actually and seriously) give my life to God. I'm not sure if I can do justice to what I was feeling, to be quite honest. It was an intense and honest prayer just begging for a heart for God.

That was a turning point. A huge one. I've probably said this before, but I've never been more serious about the Lord than I was that night and am now. So here I could say, Oh, everything's so wonderful now because I'm right with the Lord and I'm walking with Him.

So not true.

Before I started writing this, I was lying on my bed listening to the song that you see the lyrics for up at the top. I'm still sort of experimenting with how to honestly worship God, and so while I was listening, I internally spoke the words of the song to God... but I got caught up on the line, "So what can I say / what can I do / but offer this heart, Oh God / completely to You." To be honest, I misunderstood the words and thought it said "to" instead of "but," making the question, "So what can I say, what can I do, to offer this heart, Oh God, completely to you?" This is my big question! This is my big struggle. Perhaps it's from a lack of knowledge of God's word, but I am at a loss for how to give my life to God. There's this burning desire to do it but I just don't know how. And I know there are ways to live my life in a way that lets God control it, but I want to actually address God and be able to truthfully say, "This is my life, and this is my heart, and I really do want you to have it because I know you'll do a better job with it than I can."

I think my struggle, therefore, is trusting and obeying God. It's not uncommon, I know. But it is such a struggle. It's so present in my life. My mind wants to say, "I'll live my life the way my Bible says to live it. I will share your word with the people around me. Outwardly, I will look like the perfect Christian, because I will say things that a Christian should say. But I'm not sure if I'm going to like what your will is for me, so I think that I'll just hold on to my will for a little longer." It's so cliche, right? It is. You know it is, I know it is, and yet for the first time I'm actually experiencing it.

I think there's a gap between saying we struggle with something and actually, truly struggling with it. Some of the definitions for "struggle": 1. to contend with an adversary or opposing force; 2. to advance with violent effort; 3. a war, fight, conflict or contest of any time. "Struggle" is such a cliche word in the Christian language (and yes, I mean Christian, not English) because we're always struggling, whether we are or not. But to struggle is to advance with violent effort, to fight the opposing force. I've never fought the opposing force before, and I am now, and I am really struggling. This is what struggle is! So many times before I've said, "I struggle with trusting God," or, "I struggle with prayer," but there has been no effort to fight back. Now, it's a full on war against the devil.

Earlier I mentioned idolatry being an obstacle, and I know it sounds strange to use that word. I'm reading a book called Breaking Free, by Beth Moore, and it's about finding the freedom in Christ that he promises us... or, as the book puts it, "making liberty in Christ a reality in life." It addresses five benefits that God intends for us to enjoy and the five obstacles that get in the way of them. The obstacle that gets in the way of finding satisfaction in God is idolatry, which Beth Moore defines as looking to other sources for satisfaction. Like I said, I am guilty of idolatry because I get my satisfaction from new things. And when I say new things, I don't just mean buying new things, I mean change (on surface level only). For example, let's count how many times I've dyed my hair since I was 16 (let's not, but just think about it). Let's talk about how many times I've moved back and forth from room to room in my house. Let's talk about how many times I've rearranged things in my room. We don't even need to address how often I got out and buy things I don't need. I like things to be new and different... I grow tired easily, and when things are new, I am at my happiest. I am ashamed to admit this, but I will for the sake of my point: many times after a big shopping trip I'll wake up the next morning and my new items will be the first thing I think about, and it will make me happy. And every time I think about all of my new items, I'll get jitters in my stomach cause I'm so excited about them. I'm absolutely pathetic.

Recently it was made clear to me that I am guilty of this idolatry and not looking for satisfaction from God. It sucks. It's one of those things that makes you feel so flipping terrible about yourself. As corny as it may sound, I should wake up in the morning and be excited about the Lord because He's going to give me everything I need. And the thing is, I think I struggle (and yes I mean really struggle) with this more than I struggle with living my life for Jesus... or maybe they have something to do with each other. But I think I have a better sense of how to give my heart to God than how to find fulfillment and satisfaction in God. I don't know where to begin. Is it something that will come when I deny myself the satisfaction of things being new and different? Will fighting my urge to change things allow me to appreciate the beauty of what I get from God? Or is this something conscious that I have to do? And if so, how the heck do I do it?

This has seeped its way into other parts of my life, this dissatisfaction with God. Not that I'm dissatisfied, but I'm not satisfied. This dissatisfaction has caused disappointment from things that don't matter. I'll go ahead and explain it, since I have a feeling that if anybody started reading this post, they've quit by now. Next weekend is Into Hymn's fall concert. It's a big one because we're releasing our new CD. The Family (minus Gray) came to my concert a year ago, but we're singing many new songs that they haven't heard and Gray hasn't heard Into Hymn yet so over the summer I invited everybody up for the concert. I got a positive reaction from everybody, though obviously no commitments yet since it was too early. Still, it seemed like everybody wanted to be there. In September, I emailed everybody to remind them of it, that it was Saturday, November 11th and it would be really great if they could come. In October, I made a facebook event for the concert and put them all on the invite list. Later in October I emailed all of them again to ask them to let me know whether or not they were coming. As far as I knew, Lauren was the only one who couldn't come because she had a frisbee tournament (she's skipped one for me before, and I didn't want her to have to do it again). About a week and a half before the concert, I asked the boys whether or not they were coming. Harrison said that he had to be in C'ville Friday night and he was volunteering Saturday during the day for a retreat so he might not be able to make it. Steve said his friend was giving a surprise party and he hadn't decided yet whether or not to go. I didn't really get much from Jimmie because at that point I was already frustrated and told him to just talk to the other boys and let me know.

I IMed Lauren and let out how disappointed I was to her away message. I told her that I felt as though the boys always responded to spending time with me with, "If there isn't something better going on, sure." I don't know about anybody else, but when a friend asks me to do something, I don't wait until last minute to tell them so that I can see if anything better is going to be going on at the same time. They're my friend, it's important to them, I'll respect them enough to give them an answer, and if I've said yes, then if something else comes up, too bad, I've got plans. I guess I got back to the feeling that the boys are much more important to me than I am to them (the same goes for all of the girls), a feeling that several of the girls have thought for a while now, and it's a pretty disappointing feeling, given that we call ourselves The Family. I told her that I felt taken advantage of; that since I was a fellow Family member, I would forgive them and understand. And I do. But it still hurts. Thing is, we're four days away from the concert, and I still don't know if any of the boys are coming. Was it not apparent from my (literally) five invitations that it might be important to me that they be here, and not one of them has given me a legitimate reason for missing it?

Monday morning I checked my voicemail and had a message from Gray, who had been planning on coming since the beginning, saying that she got her bank statement, and she's spent too much money on gas recently so she can't be there. She mentioned that she would get a ride with Lauren or Tyler but neither of them could come (Lauren I knew about; Tyler I didn't). So that was it, as far as I knew none of my friends would be coming to the concert. I called Davis, who seemed the most like he would be here, and left him a message telling him that Gray, Lauren and Tyler wouldn't be here, and unless he could convince Steve, Jimmie or Harrison to come, he'd be coming by himself, and I wouldn't blame him for deciding not to. I hung up the phone and I cried.

I cried! Who cries about something like that? Someone who doesn't realize that it doesn't matter. I'm not saying my friends don't matter, because they do - they are 7 of the most important people in my life. But wasn't I talking earlier about how Into Hymn isn't even an a capella group? God has control over the group, God is in the group, and I wanted my friends to come so that they could see me sing. My disappointment and feeling of having been let down was a clear indicator that I don't find joy in the Lord.

I didn't write this story out as a way to confront my friends about my disappointment, because like I said, I doubt anybody has read this far anyway. This post is much more for me than it is for anyone else. I used this story to demonstrate the evidence of the way that not finding joy in the Lord is seeping out of my personal relationship with God and into my relationships with others. It's big struggle number 2, and I know how to deal with it even less than struggle number 1.

Prayer, I know, is the only way. It's the only way to handle any of these struggles, and my prayer life has been renewed (though not perfected) since that night with Into Hymn. But I guess the logic in me (in other words, the Satan in me) tells me that there needs to be some sort of action against it, not just prayer alone. Is that a desire to serve God, or is that a desire to have control? Perhaps the best thing for me to do would be just to pray and wait on God.

Show me Your heart
Show me Your way
Show me Your glory